There. I said it. I’ve fallen out of love. What started as burn-out the first part of the year became full-blown apathy following my car accident in April, which put me off the pole due to whiplash (my right trapezius was totally screwed up) for about 4 weeks. Then, when I was finally released to start doing some light work with it, I suffered a work-related back injury that stuck around for months. The doctors still don’t know exactly what I did, but they think I sprained a ligament in my low thoracic spine (base of the rib cage). My job was very physically demanding, and I was put on light duty. And I couldn’t pole until it healed because your back is tied into EVERYTHING. This issue was exacerbated by trying to get me back to work before things were healed, which lead to minor reinjury TWICE, and kept me off the pole. But I switched jobs and was finally released by my doctor and physical therapy the end of August, free to exercise as tolerated. But the new job was accompanied by a move (for which I could lift/carry barely anything) and my new home has no place for my pole. My work schedule did not allow me the time to go play with my pole pals (and it doesn’t help that they live 45min-1hr away).
I haven’t exercised in so long that I’ve lost the motivation. I see other girls post about new pole stuff and all I feel is jealous. I’ve been off the pole for 6 months, and lost everything. I was finally able to go see Samantha last Friday, and the little pole stuff we did HURT. All my callouses are gone, all my built up pain tolerances are gone. I feel like a beginner again because everything hurts. I feel weak because even though I haven’t lost too much strength, I have zero stamina. My endurance is non-existant, and I was shocked I was able to invert (even if it wasn’t pretty) but the outside leg hang when I got up there, one of my favorite moves) was so incredibly painful I couldn’t even let go with my hands.
I’m trying to be nice to myself. I’m trying to understand that I’m not quite back at point zero, I have done basically NO exercise (except for some gentle yoga and PT) for the last six months.
I’m trying to keep this in mind, but it’s hard. I have no motivation to work out, and when I do try, I tire so easily. I feel so weak. I can’t pole in my house, so it’s not like I can spend a few minutes a day toughening back up. Everything is so crowded right now, I don’t have the space to work out even if I wanted to. I can’t even find a space to do Sun Salutations without having to work around some piece of furniture. Gym membership, you say? Fuck that shit. I don’t have the motivation to go. And even WITH the motivation, I know that without a workout partner to keep me accountable, I’m not going to go consistently for more than a week or two.
I hate that I’m not where I once was. I hate that I can’t even attempt the new tricks I see popping up. I’m jealous, so I don’t even want to watch. I’m so depressed and discouraged that I don’t even want to try. I just want to go hide in a hole somewhere.
And I know things will get better. This week my work schedule is changing, and I’ll get to see Samantha every Friday, and slowly, I will get back to normal. But right now, my drive, my desire, and my interest are non-existant.